Well, I posted not long ago that I had gotten a job at Denny's to help with getting me out of the house more often especially on weekends. Well, I found out a couple of things that really pissed me off. For starters keep in mind that my PO knows I already have a job. So once I got the job at Denny's and began working I found out from my PO that she could not enter two schedules into the house arrest program on the computer. Apparently, it is only equipped to make one schedule. Now, she knew that before telling me that the PO office got a call from Denny's looking for someone to work. She knew she would not be able to enter in two different schedules therefore, why would she bother telling me that Denny's was hiring? That does not make any sense to me. Here I am trying to do good, make more money as a convicted felon which mind you is incredibly difficult to even get a job let alone a good job as a convicted felon. So if I have to have multiple jobs to make ends meet, then that is what I will do. There is nothing that I can do about it. I made a shitty choice which has led me to getting the convictions that I got. End of story there. So that being said, my PO knew I already was working, let me apply for Denny's and then weeks later tells me I can only have one work schedule in the computer system because it will not allow more than one. Why in the world would she even bother telling me about the job if she was well aware (been a PO for 20 years) that the computer allowed one schedule and that is it! So after spending money on shit for work, getting the job and working a couple shifts, I was left with really no choice but to leave for a couple reasons. One, I will not make nearly what I make cleaning, which is what is paying my hefty fine of $5,275.60, I was not getting enough hours at Denny's which means I was not getting out of the house as much as I am cleaning, that is counter active and therefore is not feasible. Additionally, being pregnant, I am having a very difficult time with energy, stamina, not feeling like I am going to toss my stomach contents at any moment all day long. At least with cleaning I am able to essentially make my own schedule. I clean when I want to so long as the buildings are done twice a month. Yes, the place I am cleaning for wrote a schedule just because it was required by my PO, however; in discussion with him, I am still able to do it when I see fit so long as they are done twice a month. Works for me. Some days are better than others. One of the other issues I am having is keeping my depression in check. Since going off my meds I have been slipping further and further into depression and frankly it has just about consumed me entirely. It is certainly no fun and the majority of my energy go between growing this baby and keeping my depression in check so I am not slipping faster than I need to be until I can get back into the Dr to see where to go from here. I simply cannot gather the energy to work every at this point and I am really hoping that will change once I hit my 2nd trimester. So after all is said and done, I am unfortunately back to sitting in the house on the weekends, which is a huge struggle for me. It hurts to be honest and is very frustrating to be alone by yourself consumed with your thoughts for so long and struggling with depression at a harder and more intense level than I have in a long time. I often have to remind myself it is okay to break down and cry and not know why I am crying. Not knowing why you are crying sometimes is a major part of depression that people do not understand at all. Even those who do not battle depression break down and cry sometimes over nothing or they say, I am just very stressed out and that is okay. There is nothing wrong with that.
Some are wondering how in the world the bills get paid if I am using my work to pay my fines. Well my wife works A LOT, always has. When we meet she was working 80 hours a week and I, 75. She continues to work 80 hours a week which is why I am at home on the weekends alone. She works 16 hours on Sat and Sun. It sucks to be alone for so long, but at the same time this is what we have to do for the time being. Once I am off house arrest, things will be so much easier. I will be able to come and go as I please without being locked down from 5pm to 8am. I will be able to run errands again, something I have not done since Aug. 4 2016. It is the small things we take for granted and most of the time don't even realize what a luxury it is. To have someone come in and tell you, that you cannot go grab everyday essentials that you need or put gas in your car, that really changes shit. Makes you feel dehumanized big time. I know once this anklet is off, I will feel so much better overall. I do however have another battle to conquer. I will have to be checking in with a new PO to get trips to Erie approved, meeting with them either weekly or monthly....I am not sure how all that works just yet but I know a lot of it is determined on your risk level. There are 3, high, moderate, and low. I cannot imagine I will be anything other than low. But we will see. I have also made a comment to my wife about the classes that I am paying for and was told by my PO that I do not have to take them. One if I do not have to take them, why am I paying for them?! Makes no sense. So, I said to my wife I bet when house arrest is over, I will be told that I am required to attend these classes now. Which is bullshit because I asked from the get go and was told that I do not have to do them. I do not trust the legal system and never did even as a child before I was ever in trouble. When you are a child and constantly telling people you are being hurt at home and hit and yet no one steps in, no cops, no CPS no noting, you have no respect or liking for law enforcement. As a child I was always dirty, non-bathed, covered in bruises, wearing non-weather appropriate clothes (sweaters or long sleeves in the summer) and told anyone I could at school or with my parents out of earshot that I am being hurt at home. I remember telling a police officer and he just walked away from me. That is why I do not like law enforcement one bit. Additionally, I cannot stand that a lot of cops feel they are above the law. We have to wear seat belts, but I can count on one hand in my 30 years of life the amount of officers I have seen wear a seat belt, we get in trouble for speeding and yet I have seen countless officers turn their lights on to pass through the red light then legit turn them off, they speed even when their lights are not on, they feel they have the right away and the list goes on and on. I simply do not like nor respect them for countless reasons. I especially hate the ones that beat the shit out of their wives behind closed doors knowing that the wife feels helpless, after all the police are supposed to protect you right? How can they when your husband is a cop and beating the shit out of you? Leaves you feeling helpless and like there is no where to turn for help. So along with my distrust of police and law enforcement in general, I am very skeptical of my PO. I document everything. Any appointments, I text to her and that way I have the written ok and she cannot go back and say she never approved something when she did. Or claim she came to check on me when she didn't; yes, I document the date and time she arrived and time she left down on paper as well. I have made appointments that she did not send an 'ok' to and was not able to attend those appointments. Part of me wonders if it is some sort of test to see if I will just go and that will give her reason to revoke my house arrest and throw me in jail, other times I just pissed off that I let her know on Monday about an appointment for Friday and then she never responds. Drives me nuts!!! If you didn't want to take time to enter shit into the computer and approve appointments, then you picked the wrong profession. Do not make me feel as though I am an inconvenience to you. I do not like having to get permission to do everyday things, attend appointments, go to work, and so on; however, you do not need to make me feel like shit even more so than I already do. If I took 5 mins to text you a request then please take 30 seconds to send ok back. That would be lovely. It lets me know that you got and approved my request. It truly does not take that long to send ok.
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