Rant

Well, I posted not long ago that I had gotten a job at Denny's to help with getting me out of the house more often especially on weekends.  Well, I found out a couple of things that really pissed me off.  For starters keep in mind that my PO knows I already have a job.  So once I got the job at Denny's and began working I found out from my PO that she could not enter two schedules into the house arrest program on the computer.  Apparently, it is only equipped to make one schedule.  Now, she knew that before telling me that the PO office got a call from Denny's looking for someone to work.  She knew she would not be able to enter in two different schedules therefore, why would she bother telling me that Denny's was hiring?  That does not make any sense to me.  Here I am trying to do good, make more money as a convicted felon which mind you is incredibly difficult to even get a job let alone a good job as a convicted felon.  So if I have to have multiple jobs to make ends meet, then that is what I will do.  There is nothing that I can do about it.  I made a shitty choice which has led me to getting the convictions that I got. End of story there.  So that being said, my PO knew I already was working, let me apply for Denny's and then weeks later tells me I can only have one work schedule in the computer system because it will not allow more than one.  Why in the world would she even bother telling me about the job if she was well aware (been a PO for 20 years) that the computer allowed one schedule and that is it!  So after spending money on shit for work, getting the job and working a couple shifts, I was left with really no choice but to leave for a couple reasons.  One, I will not make nearly what I make cleaning, which is what is paying my hefty fine of $5,275.60, I was not getting enough hours at Denny's which means I was not getting out of the house as much as I am cleaning, that is counter active and therefore is not feasible.  Additionally, being pregnant, I am having a very difficult time with energy, stamina, not feeling like I am going to toss my stomach contents at any moment all day long.  At least with cleaning I am able to essentially make my own schedule.  I clean when I want to so long as the buildings are done twice a month.  Yes, the place I am cleaning for wrote a schedule just because it was required by my PO, however; in discussion with him, I am still able to do it when I see fit so long as they are done twice a month.  Works for me.  Some days are better than others.  One of the other issues I am having is keeping my depression in check.  Since going off my meds I have been slipping further and further into depression and frankly it has just about consumed me entirely.  It is certainly no fun and the majority of my energy go between growing this baby and keeping my depression in check so I am not slipping faster than I need to be until I can get back into the Dr to see where to go from here.  I simply cannot gather the energy to work every at this point and I am really hoping that will change once I hit my 2nd trimester.  So after all is said and done, I am unfortunately back to sitting in the house on the weekends, which is a huge struggle for me.  It hurts to be honest and is very frustrating to be alone by yourself consumed with your thoughts for so long and struggling with depression at a harder and more intense level than I have in a long time.  I often have to remind myself it is okay to break down and cry and not know why I am crying.  Not knowing why you are crying sometimes is a major part of depression that people do not understand at all.  Even those who do  not battle depression break down and cry sometimes over nothing or they say, I am just very stressed out and that is okay.  There is nothing wrong with that.

Some are wondering how in the world the bills get paid if I am using my work to pay my fines.  Well my wife works A LOT, always has.  When we meet she was working 80 hours a week and I, 75.  She continues to work 80 hours a week which is why I am at home on the weekends alone.  She works 16 hours on Sat and Sun.  It sucks to be alone for so long, but at the same time this is what we have to do for the time being.  Once I am off house arrest, things will be so much easier.  I will be able to come and go as I please without being locked down from 5pm to 8am.  I will be able to run errands again, something I have not done since Aug. 4 2016.  It is the small things we take for granted and most of the time don't even realize what a luxury it is.  To have someone come in and tell you, that you cannot go grab everyday essentials that you need or put gas in your car, that really changes shit.  Makes you feel dehumanized big time. I know once this anklet is off, I will feel so much better overall.  I do however have another battle to conquer.  I will have to be checking in with a new PO to get trips to Erie approved, meeting with them either weekly or monthly....I am not sure how all that works just yet but I know a lot of it is determined on your risk level.  There are 3, high, moderate, and low.  I cannot imagine I will be anything other than low.  But we will see.  I have also made a comment to my wife about the classes that I am paying for and was told by my PO that I do not have to take them.  One if I do not have to take them, why am I paying for them?! Makes no sense.  So, I said to my wife I bet when house arrest is over, I will be told that I am required to attend these classes now.  Which is bullshit because I asked from the get go and was told that I do not have to do them.  I do not trust the legal system and never did even as a child before I was ever in trouble.  When you are a child and constantly telling people you are being hurt at home and hit and yet no one steps in, no cops, no CPS no noting, you have no respect or liking for law enforcement.  As a child I was always dirty, non-bathed, covered in bruises, wearing non-weather appropriate clothes (sweaters or long sleeves in the summer) and told anyone I could at school or with my parents out of earshot that I am being hurt at home.  I remember telling a police officer and he just walked away from me.  That is why I do not like law enforcement one bit. Additionally, I cannot stand that a lot of cops feel they are above the law.  We have to wear seat belts, but I can count on one hand in my 30 years of life the amount of officers I have seen wear a seat belt, we get in trouble for speeding and yet I have seen countless officers turn their lights on to pass through the red light then legit turn them off, they speed even when their lights are not on, they feel they have the right away and the list goes on and on.  I simply do not like nor respect them for countless reasons.  I especially hate the ones that beat the shit out of their wives behind closed doors knowing that the wife feels helpless, after all the police are supposed to protect you right?  How can they when your husband is a cop and beating the shit out of you?  Leaves you feeling helpless and like there is no where to turn for help.  So along with my distrust of police and law enforcement in general, I am very skeptical of my PO.  I document everything.  Any appointments, I text to her and that way I have the written ok and she cannot go back and say she never approved something when she did.  Or claim she came to check on me when she didn't; yes, I document the date and time she arrived and time she left down on paper as well.  I have made appointments that she did not send an 'ok' to and was not able to attend those appointments.  Part of me wonders if it is some sort of test to see if I will just go and that will give her reason to revoke my house arrest and throw me in jail, other times I just pissed off that I let her know on Monday about an appointment for Friday and then she never responds.  Drives me nuts!!! If you didn't want to take time to enter shit into the computer and approve appointments, then you picked the wrong profession.  Do not make me feel as though I am an inconvenience to you.  I do not like having to get permission to do everyday things, attend appointments, go to work, and so on; however, you do not need to make me feel like shit even more so than I already do.  If I took 5 mins to text you a request then please take 30 seconds to send ok back.  That would be lovely.  It lets me know that you got and approved my request.  It truly does not take that long to send ok. 

3 hr Test

So this morning I thought I was going to be beating the system per se.  I had to go to the hospital for a 3 hour glucose test for my pregnancy being the one hour test came back as "as little high."  So I schedule with the hospital to be there at 7am (being I had to fast for 7 hours).  This is where I thought I was going to beat the system. I figured by going in early, I would get done early and be able to eat.  One thing I have noticed since becoming pregnant is that when I am hungry, I have to eat, otherwise I end up getting very sick.  Well, when I got to the outpatient check in they had not gotten the paperwork my OB office was supposed to send in. UGH!!!!! I haven't touched food since 8pm the previous night!!! I wanted a good reading so I for once, followed the directions.  lol  So I went out to my car being it was only 7:30am and waited till the Dr. office opened at 8am.  I wanted to make the phone call in private because it is important for them to know the papers must be sent over very quickly as I am on house arrest and do not have the luxury of just waiting around and spending my day at the hospital.  So I get a hold of them at 8am and explained the situation. The lady was very nice and understanding of my "window' of time in which I had scheduled for my appointment. So....I walked back in to registration again and voila, they got the papers faxed over!!!! Sweet. Now it was a matter of getting into the lab for the initial blood draw to get the 'base' glucose reading.  Mind you, I just had the one hour test on Tuesday.  So my arm was still sore. Once I got to base test done I had to wait an hour for the result, then drink the nasty sugar drink and have my blood drawn every hour for 3 hours. Goodness, was that down right awful. Sitting there watching the clock to make sure I am back into the lab on time otherwise the test would have to be redone, was annoying in itself.  I felt terrible for my wife.  She has to be into work tonight at 8pm but would not go home to sleep.  She wanted to be there for me during this test.  Sounds silly, however, it really made a big difference having her there.  I was not as freaked out as I normally am by the needle because she held my hand! lol  Pathetic, I know!!!

The other obnoxious part was having to keep my PO in the loop being I would be there past the allotted window of time. I just down right hate texting her.  I don't like feeling like I am bothering her for 'stupid shit' or being annoying because the appointment did not go as planned. Luckily she answered the text messages, which is all I ask for.  A simple OK to let me know you got the text is suffice.  Otherwise, I have to play the guessing game and my panic starts to set in because clearly I am not trying to go to jail.  I want to follow house arrest and get off.  Period!!


My arms are raw and terribly sore from getting poked all day long. That is just down right terrible.  On the upside, I ahve found a way to look at house arrest differently.  In a more positive sense that is.  I have been counting down, 'months till free' and I have instead decided to change it to 'months till delivery.'  Reason being, I am getting off house arrest a week and a half before I am due to deliver this little baby.  It seems to have made it a little more tolerable per se.  Doesn't seem like life is just dragging behind me, I actually have something more to look forward to!!

Sorry it has been so long since I last posted, there is so much that happened.

So I found out I am pregnant! Which is exciting!! My wife and I have wanted a child since before we married and it is such a blessing for this to have finally taken place! As of today, I (the carrier) am 10 weeks and 5 days along. We had our first ultrasound done as well as heard the heart beat. I have been saying since day one of finding out that I think we are having a boy!!! Which is what I want and my wife is rooting for a girl!  Initially, we wanted to have two, but there is no way I can do this twice! I simply am not made to be pregnant!!!! It is not common, where I am from that is, to hear women loathing pregnancy!!! I loathe it with a passion! Additionally, we have had some slight craziness that has happened during these 10 weeks which have given us a bit of fear so to say. I personally do not think I can do this again for a few reasons.  Mostly, everything we had to go through to get pregnant was simply too much for me to endure again. Nevertheless, we are over the top excited about this new addition to our little family and will be more than satisfied with one child plus our fur baby! So that has been crazy exciting!!!

Secondly, I was able to get a job working at the local Denny's diner as a dishwasher. While I was there I had some bleeding and stopped working for a couple weeks till I got everything cleared from the Dr.  Since my appointment where I was cleared, this past Tuesday; I've been put back on the schedule doing a little lighter work.  On weekends I am going to be doing some hosting, which should be easy enough. Boring, but easy. I am just happy to get out of the apartment on the weekends.  House arrest is the hardest on the weekends. It truly gets to you.  Being locked down from 5pm Friday till 730am Monday really takes a toll on you especially when there is no one but my dog home with me during the weekend because my wife works 6am-10pm Sat and Sun. So yeah, being alone makes the time crawl. It is pure torture.

House arrest, as I have said many times before to people is dehumanizing in so many ways. It truly is.  I cant run to the store for milk when we are out of it, I cant go for a walk, or meet up with people to hang out, catch up, I cant Christmas or birthday shop..... Possibly the worst is scheduling appointments or interviews and letting my PO know about them but then not getting an confirmation or approval from her means I cannot go even after the appointment was made.  It is incredibly frustrating. Many appointments I have had to cancel at the last minute because I have not heard back from my PO for the approval, same with job interviews. It is incredibly annoying.  Yes, I am by law considered a criminal, HOWEVER, that does not mean I am not human and my basic needs should no longer be met. It does not mean that I should not be granted the right to attend appointments or job interviews....which according to the rules, you have to have a job while you are on probation.  Otherwise it is considered a violation and you can be thrown in jail for it.  Try getting a job on probation with a fresh conviction, a felony at that. No one wants to take the risk of hiring a felon. Even though the Govt offers tax breaks for companies that hire felons.  That is not enough incentive for companies tho, because it is incredibly difficult to secure a job with a record.